Guitar :)

So I’ve been wanting to get a guitar.  Then before Christmas sometime my mom and I went to see that movie “August Rush”  which is definitely a must see if you like music.  But anyways, we saw the movie and the boy played awesome guitar and at one point was just hitting the tops of the strings up high where you would norm place your fingers and he was good, I really enoyed it. 

Well my mom knew of my desire for a guitar and she secretly told my grandma, so wha-la, for Christmas my grandmother got me a guitar.  AND not just a guitar a whole package, theres a case, extra strings, pics, a strap, seven an amp   So here it is

  

Its an acoustic/electric Esteban with steel strings

  

It has sweet design pattern and color

  

And even an outline of our one and only great nation the U.S. of A.

  

I love my new guitar!

Are You My Family?

This weekend was a serious eye-opener for me…it opened my eyes that I truly do not feel like I fit in at all with my family, not to mention that I really do believe that I don’t look anything like my family, but now I am a strong believer that I do not fit in with them at all either.  My parents are famous for constantly saying “well you two are different people so you will be treated differently” (speaking of my sister and I).  However, I feel that line can only be used so much and to go only so far.  It’s not treating two children different when one is spoiled rotten and has no responsibilities, and when one is left to fend for themselves beisdes for maybe havinga roof over their head.  Maybe there is a little jealousy here, but you try switching shoes with me, I will gladly live in anyone elses life right now.  I know there are people worse off than me right now, trust me I do, my family has been worse off in our lives too.  But I don’t think that when FAMILY has things that others in the family need or when others in the family could use some help, that the rest of the family who has the things needed they should be selfish about them.  If your family has money to spare and all they do is spoil one child completely rotten, and one child needs to pay for books for college, or needs some gas in the car to get to school, the child being spoiled can not be gotten one shirt or one outfit (that won’t even fit in their closet anyways because its so full), so that the other child can have a book for class or something, not make that child find a second or even third job, i mean after all you are all FAMILY!  Basicalyl this weekend was my sister’s birthday, but that doesn’t reallyl mean much, afterall, everyday is her birthday if you consider birthday in the terms of most of the rest of the world.  Everyday is special for her, everyday includes gifts and extra attention and such.  Basically this weekend I really saw how much I don’t fit in with this family.  Are they my real family?

Can’t everyone just STOP!?!

I’m done!  I don’t want to know anymore or learn anymore, can’t everyone just get that?  Accept it because I’m not changing my mind!  I don’t care anymore.  One more person DOES NOT make a difference!  Can’t everyone just STOP!?!

In with the new, maybe the old have to be let go of?

It seems like a while since I’ve written, I guess I’ve just needed time to think and hang out with people.  I’m not one to open up but I met this new awesome friend I mentioned before and shes the kind of friend that everyone needs one of, she makes you open up but doesn’t judge and still cares and is still willing to talk and listen no matter what you say or ask.  It has been such an awesome past like week and a half.  Granted sucky things have happened, and granted she found out one of the worse of them, but it didn’t phase her and she wasn’t mad and we still hang out, and its really cool.  And even when sucky things have happened still, she is a safe person, like you have that place or person that no matter what is safe, and that’s her.  And when those sucky things have happened, I have known 100% for sure that I could go to her. 

Then there’s our other awesome friend who after an event at school, I have definitely come to realize alot about, and as much as it sucks to walk away, I think it’s the only option left.  I’ve tried being open, I’ve been honest, I’ve talked and also tried to listen, I’ve tried to obey, and when it’s come down to it, I’m not sure if I can trust anymore, clearly I can’t be trusted for her to be open with me or for her come to me and fess up that she was uncomfortable with a question, waht more do you freakin want from me?  I have done everything you’ve said, I’ve tried different things, but no matter what I always get slashed, and not only that you only ever point out the crap or the ways I’m wrong or a screw up, but you’re NOT perfect and you can’t even tell me that you need a break or that you’re uncomfortable or overwhelmed, so what do you expect me to do but leave you alone for good now?  After talking to our guests, I realized alot, and although I badly want to go with her suggestion, nothing thusfar has worked, and you haven’t changed any even though you say you will or try to or try to be more honest about your reasons for your actions or whatever, so why will you now?  I’m really sorry, but clearly we aren’t meant to be friends, because I’m the screw up and the only one who has to change, and I’m not going to conform to your ways, I was so excited after Women’s Week and talking to Glo because I really thought things could change and could be different, but I see they can’t, you can’t come to me, so why should I come to you anymore?

I love…

I love new friends!!! Just an FYI.  I went to a friend’s party Friday night and met this girl (new awesome person), who by the way I swear I have met before, but she insists not, anyways, she is from Pennsylvania and now lives down here with her parents and we hung out this weekend, and she is awesome.  So I love new friends!!!

Go away

I’ve really been thinking about this alot and just what I was going to say or how I would approach it and what I would regret and all the like, but frankly I dont give a damn what kind of reaction I get.  I am sick of the flip-flopping and if you dont liek something than freakin say it.  If you are mad or upset or hate me for a question, then say it, dont reject me and reject me and ignore me and then when someone new is around try to be a friend again, it doesnt fly so well, and I wont have it.  So either please speak up and speak your mind, or go away and stop trying to change me!!!  And don’t ever say you dont expect anything because that it just pure bull, because if that is the case this woulnd’t be happening.  You clearly expect things, such as, not to use God’s name in vain, not to ask stupid questions or questions about certin topics, you expect to change, you expect me to be like certain others.  So those are what hit me off the top of my head, so what else do you expect, and DO NOT say nothign because I won’t buy it!  PLEASE speak up and speak your mind, or leave me the freak alone.

Whats going on?

So I’m not sure what all is going on, but whatever it is, PLEASE tell me.  I want to know.  I want to be a friend to you too and be here for you too, not just you for me.  I care about you to and I love ya girl and I’m just so confused these days.  Like yesterday and today were prime examples of the flip-flopping I’ve talked about, I don’t get it, and I tried to only worry about myself this afternoon when seeing you and to my amazement feeling pretty rejected, but then after feeling rejected this evening, I can’t help but to tihnk about the whole situation and not just my role in it.  Whats going on?

Whats going on with me too?  So, WEIRD!!!! but for whatever reason I had two extremely emotional high days back to back and that is not me.  My emotions turn so frequently sometimes it scares even me and I even confuse myself.  And then finally yesterday I actually WANTED to talk about God stuff and bring it up in conversation, and for some random unexplainable reason I was just so overjoyed to see a particular friend and just so overjoyed to talk to her, and I was justat an extreme emotion high.  Then today for the most part I was at an emotional high again, I mean there was a moment of getting my paper back and then later feeling rejected that I was kind of down, but the overall emotion for the day and right now was that of being extremely overjoyed.  I don’t get it, whats going on with me?  I like being happy and upbeat and  positive emotions, but its not me to have these extreme high days back to back, let alone in the same week normally…its crazy, whats going on?!

Weekend

Ok, so this is long overdue.  This weekend was AWESOME!!! No matter how sick I felt or how much it bugged me to be traveling on my birthday or even to have to blow off friends to pick up luggage, my dad’s retirement and going to VA set the mood for the whole weekend, and no matter what kind of stuff happened all weekend his retirement ceremony was heart-grabbing and very intriguing.  I am SO thankful to have a father who chose to serve our great country, here and around the world for the past twenty years.  All the times I was mad or upset because I was being rebellous or becaus ehe had to travel somewhere and miss a game or something special to me, it was all made up for this weekend at his retirement.  I’m not really sure why and I can’t exactly pinpoint it, but my heart was just filled with so much joy this weekend, mainly for my dad!  I remember this time when I was talkingto a friend and we talked about Soccer and when I played and my dad chimed in that I had never played, that was the time he was on duty in South Korea, he hadn’t even realized I had played Soccer, and it urked me so much.  Sports were my life and any sport I could get involved in, I did.  I couldn’t believe my dad didn’t even know I had played Soccer until then, which was like three years later…at least.  And I held it against him, but everything, all the emotions and being upset and secret grudges they all disappeared this weekend.  I am so proud to call him MY dad!!! 

Ans the birthday was decent so all in all it wasn’t too bad of a weekend

Who knew?

So this does seem kind of obvious, but I guess it has all just really stuck out and hit my emotions big time this past few days…but who knew simple things such as the Chick-Fil-A person saying “my pleasure” after giving you your food could completely change your day? But then at the same time, someone completely being a jerk or seeming to be a jerk can also completely change your day?  Nothing against the person, well not until now at least, but seriously what the freak have I done?  And why has the whole worl dturned on me?  I mean I;m not huge on my own birthdays, but I do love others birthdays, and I’m not big on celebrating or doing anything on my birthday, but i don’t want to be alone, and I can just see how my birthday is going to play out and it sucks!  And even if I do think about the positive or try to see a positive outcome it all turns out bad in my thoughts and the way I have envisioned it, just like Sunday did, and my whole life.  I mean, I know I’m not like everyone else, but isn’t that the point, we like people for who they are, not because they are like everybody else, so is who I am just an easily hateable person?  What is so hateable about who I am?  Please, someone help me out so it can be fixed or changed or helped. 

That is all I have for you all.  I’m DONE!!!  Stephanie is now officially retreating to her own world.  Ejnjoy your lives full of cliques and crap!  Why has everything started to change all of a sudden, I mean could it come at anymore of an incovenient time?  OK, Goodbye.

I love and miss you!!!

It’s Allie’s 21st today.  It’s been just over two years since the accident.  She has this awesome legacy site that her parents have kept going so that people all over can hear her story and remember her.  She had such an impact on everyone back home, even those who just knew her name or her smile or her always positive attitude and upplifting presence, no matter what, just knowing a minor detail about her, people were impacted by her.  Today, just now in fact, at 1115 she would have turned 21.  Now Allie’s birthdays were everything, she would celebrate them for a long time, probably three weeks or so.  About a month ago on the legacy site her mom made a post, requesting that today at 1115 (1015 stupid texas time) that everyone release a balloon or balloons into the sky to remember her and celebrate her brthday with her.  It doesn’t matter if all you had done was read the legac site or the post or only heard her name in passing or from a friend of her’s, her mom wanted to send her the best party ever, a party of balloons from all her friends and family and acquaintances, and anyone who was effected or impacted by her life or her story.  A party of balloons to our gaurdian angel, and that is surely what she got. 

HAPPY BIRTHDAY ALLIE! Your spirit continues to live on, and we miss you SO much.  You still constantly impact many lives everyday and there are still people suffering with the loss of you, still people who can’t figure out how to move on without you in our lives.  We love you Allie and hope that today was the best birthday you ever had.  It would be your 21 st and we know how special that would have been and how much fun you would have had.  We love you girl! HAPPY 21st!!!!!!!!